First, I want to assure you that I am quite well! The experience I shared in the last post was a wonderful opening for me, not something I am upset about or wish had been different. Not at all. It was exactly the teaching I needed at exactly the right time. Isn’t it always?
Second, I want to say how incredibly privileged I feel to have people who aren’t just reading what I’m writing here, but are thinking about it, reflecting on their own experience, sharing and dialoguing, and just generally being supportive–allowing this to be much more than one meditator’s personal narrative. It’s really a testament to the ability of our current technology and this particular manifestation of “sangha” to build authentic community. One which is coming and going, continually evolving, and discovering its various strengths and weaknesses. So, thank you, thank you so much.
I shared what I did in the last post for whatever reason I did. Part of what this blogging practice is about for me is accepting that I don’t know. It certainly wasn’t because I wanted consoling or defending. It wasn’t really even about me or the guy interviewing me or that particular experience. It was intended as more of a genuine exploration, as a part of the inquiry. So I guess I was a little surprised that a number of people were concerned about my wellbeing and felt I was being “too hard on myself”. I applaud Nathan for not only saying maybe I shouldn’t be too soft on myself, but for taking what I had shared and expanding upon it, applying it to his own daily life and practice and emphasizing the importance of “paying attention to patterns of disconnection and avoidance…even if it’s just little incidents.”
I wonder if you noticed how you felt reading the post? How did the heart react to my vulnerability? Did it make you uncomfortable? Did you respond in the way you did because it was what you believed I needed to hear or because it was what you needed to hear? What might you be projecting about the story, about me? Were you identifying in some way? And to pick up on K’s comment, re the immediacy of this mode of communication, did you sense any desire or aversion motivating your action? Whether it was stopping reading mid-post, or commenting on the post, or whatever? Because it happens right here, right now. Nowhere else. This closing and opening of the heart. And it’s absolutely no one else’s responsibility. As Aly said, in the end, “it doesn’t matter what he/she was or wasn’t projecting–just use it!”
And a last word on the crucial need for flow between the inner and outer aspects of practice, from Nathan:
“[R]egardless of form, whether long retreat, ‘practice intensive,’ or just a daily sitting practice or sutra study – none of it necessarily leads to being a more open, vulnerable, and alive person. The threads often need to be deliberately teased out, so that the introspective insights are translated into awakened relationships based on love, vulnerability, and wisdom.”
Yes. And here’s to that awakening, that awakening to deeper and deeper love…