The gradual vs. sudden debate.
Is it about effort or effortlessness?
Can delusion and wisdom coexist?
Do I have to be aware, as in pay attention, or is it a matter of remembering…I’m already aware?
Who is being aware? What is awaring? When is awareness possibly not there? What’s the difference, how does it feel–aware, unaware?
I’ve been in a bit of a funk. A slow moving, subtle funk that all the sudden sort of starts to be unreasonable. These periods seem to happen with a fair amount of frequency. Whether it’s my particular chemistry that tends toward depression or whether it’s a consequence of the ongoing uncertain conditions of my life–relatively speaking–I’m not sure. Whatever it is, it’s pretty familiar even if it still catches me off guard. Often, I realize I haven’t been practicing in a formal way as much. Or at all really.
This winter I spent two and a half months on my own, in the woods here. After six weeks on retreat. The mind was sharp, clear, peaceful much of the time. It’s different now. Always surrounded by proliferating tendencies. My mother. My father. House guests. This damn machine.
But then I sit, and much to my surprise there’s clarity. There’s no anxiety or restlessness, no boredom, no avoidance. There’s just awake awareness, right there.
So why the funk?
I perceive (interestingly meaning first and foremost, sense, intuit, become aware of–but here I mean interpret) that I should be this or that. I compare. Well to be fair, the mind or the thinking mind, or whatever it is, does that. I don’t do that. And yes, certain conditions make for this to be a far less frequent occurrence, and others not so much. But if freedom is right there, in reach, what is the difference really?
Committing. Sitting. Welcoming. Living this life.